he's my best friend.

one year

it's been one year since my last post.

i've achieved much in 2011. it was the hardest, yet best year of my life.

i found something so beautiful and i've come to recognise those who are truly worth the effort.

i struggled to study and at times it was physically exhausting and mentally straining, but i tried my best to push past it. yes, i could have tried harder, i know that i'm capable of doing much more, but i don't regret anything.

2011 was great, but i plan to make 2012 even better.

every year, there will be struggles. and my worst struggle which has taken up a lot of my lifetime, has been that with my parents, especially my dad.

i know it sounds a little funny; "daddy issues" and how many girls, especially those who sleep around alot, have them. i don't sleep around, i'm a little conservative and i find it repulsive to interact in sexual activity with strangers.

i just wish he would stop listening to what other people say, i wish that he could be proud of me. just once. so many people have it and take it for granted. i don't know how to make it better. all i can do now is be polite. "talking" to them, will just make it worse and my emotion always gets the best of me. i've never actually been this emotional about anything, nothing has come close. not even a break up. that was 29382901482 times a better feeling.

i hate these complaints about me. i wish someone could tell him that i've done well, or that i'm a good daughter.

i can't talk to anyone about this, i have tried. but i just can't.

i know that having weak moments is allowed, not everyone can be strong all the time. i just wish that i can push past this and be grateful about everything i do have.

when i'm alone, it hits the hardest. not that i feel lonely, per se.

it's nice though, to talk to someone, to explain to them how i feel without them judging. no effort with empathy, sympathy nor pity. i don't want anyone to try and understand.

i know there are many people out there who completely understand, i'm just not close to them. so i'm afraid to approach anyone.

this whole 'significant other' thing sounds foreign. are matches made in heaven? fate? destiny? all that other shit?

is it my soulmate who will understand? someone i could say absolutely anything to? do people like that exist?

if they do, i would just lie beside them, and tell them all that is bothering me without hesitation. without feeling like i'm burdening them with all this desolation and confusion.

i do love the person that i'm with at the moment, he is a beautiful person. his life in terms of most things is quite perfect. he has it all. a great relationship with his parents, freedom, love. he's got an amazing career ahead of him. i can't tell him what's always bothering me, because he doesn't deserve to hear all that stupid shit that i have to say. he thinks i'm a strong person, i'm not. his mother is right, he does have poor taste haha, i'm not suited for him. i don't have the heart to tell him because i can't bear to let him go... i love him so much. i just want him to always be happy. how am i meant to tell him all that is on my mind, because i feel like i'm burdening him with things that he doesn't deserve.

i want someone i can be myself with, not hold back any thoughts or emotions. without feeling guilty, because they'll understand everything. i can talk to them about ideas concerning the universe. conspiracies. religion. politics.

i want them to make me better. it's something sacred. i'll give them everything. and one day, i'll even marry them.

if i ever get that, fuck.

i will donate everything (okay mostly everything) to charity. i'll dedicate my life to helping others cause my one is already perfect.

i don't know if i've met him or if i'm with him. i don't know if he's real or a vision or a fragment. i don't know about his existence. all i know is that this so called person is not the answer to the end of my problems. i will have to be the solution.

right now, i'm trying to make myself better.

i do love myself, but i know i can be so much more. i just need to let myself be that person.

everything on my mind, i've spilled on this computer keyboard.

i want to be better. i want to be better. i want to be better.

and i will.